I am 39 weeks pregnant, and I have a 16 month old toddler. Being a mom is HARD. I love Parks so so much, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but that does not mean everything is easy all the time. If anything, its hard more often than it is easy. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones or maybe it’s normal for all moms to feel this way, but there are days I can’t stop crying because of how overwhelming it can be. And sometimes I’m just overwhelmed with love for my baby, or overwhelmed because I know there’s another one coming soon and I don’t know what to expect exactly.. Or I cry because Parks is crying and I feel like a bad mom because I let him fall and hit is head or I just don’t know what he’s crying for! Life is hard, being a mom is hard, being a wife is even hard! But I LOVE my life so much. I am so blessed and lucky to have such a wonderful husband and precious baby boy(s). We need the support of one another more than ever when we’re new parents, and the support of helpful family around us. We are so blessed to have a lot of family nearby that will be more than willing to help out, which is great! But it is still going to be hard.
Even with only one baby, most days the house is messy. Most days I don’t get around to doing everything I thought I would get done. And most days lately, I am constantly wondering if my water is going to break or if I’ll start feeling painful contractions! I want baby to come SO BAD, and at the same time I am afraid of how it’s going to change our lives, even though it will be in a good way.
As ready and excited I am for Henrik to come, I can’t help but feel like I’m not cut out for what’s about to happen. Parks is in a stage where he always wants me. What is he going to think when I have another baby in my arms all the time?! I am terrified that he is going to feel neglected and realize that it’s different than before. He isn’t old enough to understand that I have to take care of the baby. Because the baby isn’t here yet it is hard to know what’s going to happen. The amount of love I have for Parks is immeasurable, but I KNOW that I will love Henrik too. I have no doubt that I have the capacity in my heart for both of them (and then more some day), the question is whether they will both FEEL as loved as they should. Parks was the 1st born, the only child of ours who will ever get to have Lucas and I to themselves. And he isn’t even going to remember that special time, because he is going to be so little still when baby is born. And maybe that is a good thing, he will always know how to share us with his siblings. But the main thing I have realized I need to remember, is that I am Henrik’s mom TOO. It’s not all about Parks, even if my life right now is. It’s going to be about both of them, and I just will have to learn how to balance it all. If God brings you to something, He’s going to bring you through it. It’s hard right now for me to trust that, but I know when Henrik is here God will give me exactly what I need to get through it all.
Do not get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being a mommy, but sometimes it is hard. When Parks is cranky and whining and doesn’t want anything but me, it can be exhausting. And soon he won’t be able to have me if I have to be dealing with Henrik. Jesus is so loving and helpful and always THERE, I just have to trust him.
If you’ve read this far, I appreciate it! Thanks for listening to me vent. Hopefully baby will be arriving soon!!