Written on 9/19/2017
Good morning. I just need to get my thoughts out. Wow, yesterday (Monday) was hard. And nothing particularly bad happened or anything, I think I was just maybe in a bit of a funk. I was feeling selfish. I was feeling mad that I only got about an hour to myself when the boys were napping. I was feeling mad that I had needed to shower all day long and didn’t end up doing so until the babies were in bed. I had dealt with poo, vomit, snotty noses, etc. Henrik is teething and needs me more. Parks is 2 and freaking crazy sometimes.
I don’t exactly know how to write out how I feel… but this journey is hard. Being a mama is hard but so wonderful and rewarding at the same time. I love seeing those little hands reach up to hold me. But when they are doing it when I am trying to cook dinner or wash barf out of bedding, it’s a little less cute. I lose my temper, I tell Parks “no” when he is whining and hitting me because he needs my attention. Then I give him a time-out because we don’t hit, and I cry because I feel guilty. If I was just able to give him attention, he wouldn’t have hit me and he wouldn’t be in time-out. But if I gave him all the attention all day long, I would still feel guilty that things aren’t cleaned up, or I didn’t give Henrik enough attention. Balancing two babies, plus a husband and trying to keep a clean house, plus maybe trying to have a social life and hopefully exercising…is dang HARD. Right now I can’t even picture bringing a third child into this family. One day, we will get there. We will feel ready. But that day is definitely not today! I am scared of it. I already feel spread so thin. I am counting down the hours until nap time and bed time instead of enjoying my boys and playing with them. What kind of mother am I? Do we all have these feelings some days or is it just me? I am not counting down those hours daily, I promise. But yesterday was one of those days. I was dying for some time to myself.
I love my sweet baby boys SO dang much. When Henrik is sleeping in my arms and I am praying for him, I tear up because I don’t know how I deserve someone so perfect and wonderful. God gave us the most precious gifts in the world, and I just want to honor that the best I can. I want to be the best mom I can be, and the best wife I can be. But no one is ever perfect, we have to give ourselves grace. We have to pray asking God to forgive us for losing our temper and shouting and making the kids cry even more than they were.
Parks has such a sweet and sensitive little spirit. When he is doing something naughty and I tell him no, he will sometimes have that little pouty lip and start crying and then it makes me want to cry with him! Ugh, I love him. SO much. But that doesn’t mean thing are always easy.
Thank you for reading my little venting session, you are amazing! And if you are a mama too, you are a GREAT mom. I just know it!
Have a good day!